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This is technically a day late, so just go ahead and pretend that I posted it yesterday and that you just didn’t get around to reading it until now, okay?
It feels a little bit weird typing that. Even though I’ve known that I was attracted to men as well as women for a long time, I’ve always felt like I couldn’t really claim that title because I’ve never acted on it. I don’t know why, either. I don’t know whether I’ve never found anyone I clicked with on that level, or whether I have but I subsumed any spark of attraction I felt under nerves about wanting to pick the right guy for my first guy, or whether I just couldn’t admit it in anything more than a whisper, even to myself. But I was never comfortable claiming that label as my own.
But I should be. Bisexuality is real whether or not I act on it, and no matter where I fall along its spectrum. I’ve written a lot of my stories from the perspective of a woman being hypnotized and dominated by a man, and I’ve been able to put myself in that woman’s shoes quite effectively and enjoyably. I’ve written gay smut–not much of it, because I think on some level I felt it would be too big of an admission if I wrote a lot of it, but I wrote it and it turned me on. I’ve spent time online watching gay porn and getting turned on by it. These are not deviations or accidents and they’re nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m going to say it again so that it sinks in for everyone reading this and particularly someone writing this: This is nothing to be ashamed of. This is something to accept about myself, and maybe explore a little although I don’t think that means I’m looking for partners right now just in case anyone thought this was a thinly-veiled personal ad. Instead, it’s me making a decision to be open about a part of myself I haven’t been comfortable sharing here because even on a blog that’s all about my sexuality, I still feel like it’s not something I’m supposed to admit to. I feel nervous that people won’t like me if I admit to who I am, and it’s time I gor right the hell over that because anyone who would think less of me for this isn’t worth my time.
And yeah, maybe because it’ll help the next person make this admission a little easier, explore a little more comfortably, accept themselves a little bit quicker. But I’m not going to break my arm patting myself on the back here.
This is Bi Visibility Day, and it’s time to stop hiding this part of myself. So hi, bi.