Archive for March, 2009

Spiral Awards 2008

March 30, 2009

I just thought it was worth mentioning that the nominations are up for the 2008 Spiral Awards, and that I have two stories nominated in the “Green” category (females dominating males) and one in the “Purple” category (multiple or unspecified controllers.)

It’s also worth mentioning that the two green stories are “Tainted Love” and “Video Killed the Radio Star”, and the purple story is “Shiny Happy People”.  It’s further worth mentioning that you can click on the “Panel” page at the Spiral Awards website to find where to email your vote to, before said votes close on April 13th. (Probably. The announcement said March 13th, but that’s obviously wrong.)

I am, of course, not advocating any particular course of action. But I thought those things were worth mentioning. 🙂

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Have I Changed?

March 29, 2009

So I was chatting with Thrall this afternoon, talking about how much fun it is to be brainwashed (short answer: VERY), and she asked me, “So how exactly has Lady Ru’etha changed you over the years?”

And I paused, because I honestly don’t know. I mean, I answered the question, but I really don’t know if I gave it a good answer, because it’s very hard to tell. It’s down to how hypnosis works. One of the things your mind does best when dealing with hypnosis is convincing itself that you haven’t been hypnotized. “I’m not doing this because I’ve been hypnotized into doing it, I’m just going along with it because I don’t feel like arguing.” “I’m not hypnotized into liking this; we just talked about it, and I agreed to try it, and I found out that I liked it.” “This is just normal behavior for me–the hypnosis thing is pure coincidence.” Et cetera.

So when I try to think about how I’ve changed since Lady Ru’etha started hypnotizing me, it doesn’t feel like much. She always says She doesn’t want to change me much anyway; She likes the way my brain is right now. So it feels like really minor changes. I’m typing this right now wearing a pair of soft velcro cuffs, because She always has me wear those while I sleep and I haven’t bothered to take them off after waking up from a nap earlier, but that’s not really much of a thing to ask. And likewise, I also put on a continuous loop of Her Voice while I sleep, but that’s not really so much a change in and of itself. It makes it easier for Her to brainwash me, but it’s really more of a cause than an effect.

And I do wear two collars, one around each wrist, everywhere I go–but they’re not really noticeable as collars. The average person probably just sees them as bracelets. And frankly, don’t those “average people” wear wedding rings? If that’s brainwashing, then lots of people are brainwashed.

And I’ll admit that my erotic writing became a lot more productive after She started hypnotizing me again, specifically right after She said, “I think that you’re going to want to write about this,” but I wasn’t even hypnotized at the time She said that. I was just coming out of a trance.

And yes, I’ll admit I do feel generally submissive to Her, but I’ve been in non-hypnotic D/s relationships, too. I’ve come to accept that I am a sub. It’s just who I’ve always been. (And OK, technically speaking that phrasing specifically echoes Her words and Her programming when I’m in trance, but it’s a catchy turn of phrase, isn’t it?)

And yes, I did wind up going with Her to Dark Odyssey, a convention specifically tailored to fetish interests, and I did wear a collar around my neck the entire weekend I was there and proudly wear a nametag that said, “Lady Ru’etha’s Jukebox, Deeply Obedient Deeply Hypnotized Tranceslut”. But, um…well, it was a romantic getaway. And like I said, I already know I’m in a D/s relationship with Her, and really, who can honestly say how much of that is down to the hypnosis?

I know I can’t. It’s hard for me to really say whether or not I’ve changed at all. It doesn’t feel like I’ve changed much, but like I say, I’m not the best judge of these things. Everything feels very natural, just something I’ve always wanted to try. I know I’m a little different, but I’m not sure how much.

I’d ask Lady Ru’etha. She’s good at explaining things.

Everybody Wants To Be A Cat!

March 24, 2009

Sonovabitch. She actually did it.

Allow me to explain that statement. 🙂 As I mentioned last time, I’m listening to Lady Ru’etha’s brand new CD releases, available through Her brand new website here and temporarily on sale. (In the interests of full disclosure, I should mention that I’m Her brainwashed pet, and have been formally collared to Her for almost a year now, which doesn’t exactly make me an unbiased source of information about Her. But on the other hand, I don’t give my mind and body to someone lightly, so I hope people understand just how big of a testimonial it is that I let Her own me completely.)

This time, I decided to listen to “Kittenfur”, a CD that’s supposed to give the listener the experience of transforming into a cat. And I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure how well this one was going to work for me. The “Robotic Transformation” CD…I don’t have robophilia or technophilia, but I can at least understand the desire to be programmed, and I can get behind the idea of wanting to become a perfectly obedient subject that’s incapable of resisting commands. There’s a lot of overlap between that and being a robot servant, enough that I could bridge the mental gap.

But I’m not an animal person. I don’t have pets, I’m not into the furry kink, I don’t really have a spiritual connection to any animals (although I did like penguins when I was a kid), and I’ve never really wanted to see myself as a cat (or a wolf, or an eagle, or any of the other traditionally “totemic” animals.) To top it all off, Lady Ru’etha and I have never really done much transformation play along those lines. Our play has tended to focus on molding and shaping my actual personality, not creating alternate ones (temporary or permanent.) I really wasn’t sure if this even could work, let alone if I wanted to.

But She asked me to listen to it, and obedience is pleasure, so I hooked up the light and sound machine again (this time I made sure to pick a program that ran closer to the length of the actual CD, so I wouldn’t be floating in trance for twenty minutes afterwards), popped the CD in the player, and I was off!

In point of fact, I was off into trance, and pretty quickly at that. I’d just listened to “Safe Space”, the opening track, the day before, so I was primed to go under to it (and it’s designed to induce trance quickly, which certainly didn’t hurt.) Plus, of course, it bears mentioning that I’m very accustomed to going into trance for my Lady as a general rule. She does sometimes have to wake me from trances that strictly speaking, She didn’t actually induce. 🙂 The “Safe Space” trance passed quickly and pleasantly, and as before, the light and sound machine kept me from actually waking up between tracks.

So there I was, feeling a little trepidation even in trance, as I passed through the mental gateway to the room where I was supposed to turn into a cat. I wondered just how it would happen–was I going to find myself looking in a mirror and seeing felinity staring back at me? Was it going to be like a progressive induction, only with “turning into a cat” instead of relaxing? I couldn’t think of any method that would possibly work.

Instead, She had me imagine just lying down on a bed and feeling drowsy. (Not hard for someone already in trance.) She then had me imagine Her sitting down on the bed next to me and dangling a sparkling crystal in front of my eyes, speaking softly and hypnotically to me as She petted me…

And it all just slotted perfectly into place. Simultaneously, I got a rush of body memory–I wasn’t just visualizing the sequence of events She described, I was actually remembering them from lovely experience; I got a flash of understanding as to how the transformation would play out, with the already-cat-like behavior of curling up and being petted slowly developing into a full cat persona; I got an understanding of just why I would want it to happen–She’s described me as Her pet, and I know that I can’t ever get enough of relaxing into Her touch and Her words just like a cat curled up in its owner’s lap; and I got, coming out of all of the above and rising up over it, an unmistakable certainty that this was going to work. I was going to become a cat, I couldn’t stop it, and I didn’t want to stop it even if I could have.

(Oh, and in the back of my head, I admired the elegance of Her induction within an induction, using petting, pendants and voice all at once. It utilizes visual, aural, and kinesthetic components, perfect for anyone no matter how they process information. But that’s more of an aside.)

The parts of my brain that still functioned were stunned at how well it worked. I could actually hear myself purring out loud. I could feel a tail and claws (and actually, for several hours afterwards, I found myself feeling phantom sensations of claws at the end of my fingertips.) By the time She suggested I’d want a trigger that would let Her return me to this state, I was literally begging for it. In the span of twenty minutes, I’d gone from thinking that this was going to be the rare kink I couldn’t share with my Lady to thinking that I couldn’t wait to share with Her just how much I loved it.

(As mentioned last time, though, this isn’t a review. I’ve been brainwashed six ways from Sunday, and I’ve got body memory that made the trance experience unbelievably vivid. I don’t actually know, nor can I guess, how the “average listener” might respond to this. I just know I looooved it. 🙂 )

And then at last, She returned me to my human state, the CD ended, and…the light and sound machine didn’t stop. I’m still not sure why–I know I set it for a 45-minute program, but it just kept going and going. And my brain had already been pounded pretty effectively to mush by the CD–every so often, I’d realize that the lights had been going on longer than they should have, and I’d try to figure out just how much longer (my time sense isn’t good in trance), and I’d lose track of time trying to think how to keep track of time without being able to look at a clock, and then my brain would just spin out completely into staring at the lights for a while before I started the cycle again. By the time I finally managed to pull the goggles off, over an hour had gone by and I was so dopey I barely had the energy to change the CD to my usual loop of “Voice” before I went to sleep.

I’m really looking forward to the next time my Lady uses the trigger on me–it might be a while, though. She wouldn’t want to do it while we’re conversing in text trance, after all. All I’d want to do would be to sit on the keyboard.

My Time As a Robot

March 22, 2009

So yesterday morning, Lady Ru’etha asked me, “So why haven’t you listened to my CDs yet?”

Somewhat surprised, I said, “I have listened to ‘Mountain Lake’. As to the other two, well, I’m just not into the furry kink or the robotisation kink.”

She responded, “But a lot of the time, you don’t really know what you’re into until I tell you.”

I thought about it for a moment. The fact of the matter is, although I’m generally hypnokinky, I have to admit that my other big fetish took ages and ages for us to figure out. It always seemed like I’d be into so many different kinks, sometimes ones that even surprised me, but then later on I’d almost completely lose interest in something that was a major turn-on for me in a previous relationship. Finally, it clicked–I have an “enablement fetish”. I get off on the energy my Domme gives off when She’s indulging in one of Her fantasies. In other words, I actually don’t know what I’m into until my Domme tells me. 🙂

So after admitting as much, I cracked open my copy of Lady Ru’etha’s “Robotic Transformation 1.01” and put it in the CD player. I also took a moment to put on the light and sound machine She’d lent me back in February–after all, I was apparently being robotised, so it seemed appropriate to use a little technological assistance in inducing trance. I pressed play on the CD, hit start on the Procyon, and I was off!

Obviously, this isn’t going to be a review of the CD; I doubt I’ve got much credibility as an unbiased reviewer when it comes to my Lady’s products (although when you think about it, if you believe that I’m so brainwashed that I’ll say and think that anything Lady Ru’etha puts out is brilliant, that’s a pretty good endorsement of Her hypnosis products in and of itself.) But I do want to talk a bit about the experience.

It started with “Safe Space”, which begins the CD. Oddly enough, despite this being one of Her “starter” inductions, I’d never actually heard it before–She has me listen to “Voice” most of the time, instead. (“Voice” is considerably more intense than “Safe Space”, with amnesia suggestions and permanent triggers. I think She picked it over “Safe Space” because we’d already been trance-playing for quite some time before I listened to any of Her mp3s.) But there’s enough of an overlap, and I’m familiar enough with Her style and general imagery that I was able to go under very quickly and easily, and absorb the suggestions just as quickly and easily.

In theory, you’re supposed to wake up between the two tracks–She does bring the listener up out of trance at the end of “Safe Space”, before reinducing at the start of “Robotic Transformation”. (This way, once you’re fully conditioned to “Safe Space”, you can just skip it and get straight to the main event.) But in my case, I’m a) very used to ignoring the command to wake on Her recorded inductions, since I loop them while I sleep, and b) wearing a light and sound machine that is absolutely jackhammering at my brain at the time I heard the command to come out of trance.  So I just drifted straight along into the next section without ever really waking up.

The “Robotic Transformation” induction deserves special mention here, because it does some absolutely amazing things with multiple audio inputs that dropped me hard, even by my usual standards as a total cream-puff when it comes to resisting hypnosis. 🙂 Lady Ru’etha does a long, slow, wonderful countdown from twenty to one, but in the background, you can just barely hear Her voice doing two looping ten-count inductions at a slightly quicker pace. So the overall effect is that you really quickly get confused as to exactly what number you’ve dropped down to, and that confusion makes you feel like you must have gone deeper into hypnosis because it’s hard to remember the numbers, and the second you believe you’ve gone deeper, you have, and before you know it your brain has pretty much just shut down completely. (Or at least, mine did.)

The actual “transformation” was interesting to me because it integrated so well with my other hypnotic suggestions–after all, Lady Ru’etha has been programming me literally for years with the “Obedience is pleasure” mantra, and so this felt very comfortable to me. She’s used many metaphors over the years to help my brain accept my brainwashing, and so the idea of programming my mind like a computer just fit right in. (And the imagery of the sequence, as She described me sitting in a programming chair that massaged me even as it brainwashed me, fit in with my real-life experiences in ways that make me suspect I enjoyed this one more than anyone else who listened to it. 🙂 )

It was a very enjoyable experience (just how enjoyable, I’ll leave up to your imagination, wink wink nudge nudge) but as with all good things, eventually it ended and She brought me back up. Except that, um, I was still wearing the light and sound machine. Have I mentioned just how dangerously susceptible I am to those things? Seriously, it’s kind of scary just how hard they hit me. Even as I received a direct command to wake in my ears, my eyes were following an inescapable, overwhelming, unending induction that sand-blasted my resistance away. I just lay there, unable to even muster up the mental energy to reach six inches over and press the stop button on the machine before the program finally ended on its own. I’m not sure how long the machine ran after the CD ended, because my time sense was utterly wonky and I couldn’t look at a clock while my eyes were covered with brainwashing goggles. But it felt like I drifted in the endless waves of light for a very long time.

Of course, I suspect my sneaky subconscious fully knew the program would end all on its own, and it didn’t want to let even a second of enjoyable trance slip away from me. So it just convinced me that I was helpless to stop the machine, because it knew I’d be perfectly safe to let the machine stop itself. Even so, I’m damn glad that thing doesn’t have an “auto-repeat” setting. It’s not something I want to put to the test.

So I think that Lady Ru’etha will be quite satisfied with the things She’s done to my brain tonight, even if She won’t find out about them until She wakes up and reads this entry. Next time, I’ll find out whether or not the “Kittenfur” CD works just as well. I can’t say I’ve ever had much interest in being a cat, but then again, I don’t really know what I’m into until She tells me.

Hypnosis and Writing

March 11, 2009

So someone asked me on the MC Forums, “Does your Lady’s hypnosis help your writing? How?”

The answer is definitely “Yes,” but I don’t know if it’s anything as obvious as Her zapping me into a trance and telling me to write stuff. (Which isn’t to say that hasn’t happened; “Hysteria” was written after She woke me up from a trance and told me to write until She called back, while “Sweetest Perfection” was actually a fantasy scenario She guided me through while under hypnosis. But in general, my stories tend to inspire our play, not the other way around.)

It’s really more that I feel like the writing is a part of our relationship. I don’t mean in the literal, “These stories are things that really happened to us” sense (although again, sometimes I do mean exactly that–“Soft and Wet” has only the thinnest veil of fiction covering real events.) I mean that when I originally started writing mind control erotica, back in late 2000, I saw it as something of a writing exercise. It was practice, in case I ever needed to put a sex scene into something I wrote. That made it very easy to drop, once it started feeling like work.

But when I started my second run of stories, back in late 2007, I did so in the knowledge that it pleased Her and that every story was an offering to Her. That was very inspiring, knowing that my Lady loved my work and always wanted to see more. She doesn’t usually command me to write, but knowing that there’s a very appreciative audience waiting for my next story helps me focus, and gives me a reason to write (and every writer will tell you that there always seem to be plenty of reasons not to.) Knowing that I’m making my Lady happy gives me a sense of pride above and beyond just finishing the story; on those days when I’m feeling unnoticed and obscure, She reminds me that my work is appreciated and adored. She is my audience, in that sense, and every storyteller needs one to keep going.

“Um…because I’m submissive?”

March 7, 2009

Went to the doctor today–my shoulder’s been aching lately, thought I’d get some medical advice for it. The advice turned out to be, “Take lots of Advil and tell us if it gets worse,” but that’s not the bit you’d be interested in. That came when I was getting x-rays–I was already at the end of a very long day, and so when this nice young female medical technician started telling me, in tones of brisk command, “Step to the left,” “Move slightly forward,” “Turn a bit,” “Face me,” “Don’t move…” I could actually feel my eyes getting all glassy as I dipped a bit into trance.

At one point, she actually posed my arm to make sure it was in the correct position, and when I relaxed my muscles just enough that she could move my arm, while still holding the position she put me into, she said, “Wow, you’re good at this.”

I honestly didn’t know what to say in response.

Happy Memories

March 5, 2009

My Lady called me yesterday–due to my somewhat topsy-turvy sleep schedule, She woke me up out of a fairly sound sleep, but neither one of us minds that. She doesn’t mind it because I’ve told Her it’s alright, and I don’t mind it because She generally does what She did yesterday–She called me, and before I could wake up enough to say anything more than “Hello,” She dropped me into a trance and let the grogginess of an unexpected awakening push me so easily into a state of hypnosis that it was like I never woke up at all.

This is a very nice state to be in, and She took full advantage of it to program my sleepy mind (there’ll be a post about exactly that somewhere along the line, so don’t let me forget.) This time, She also mentioned that She still has the photo of our first face-to-face trance…and wow, did that bring back some happy memories.

It wasn’t a big, elaborate production–I don’t think I was even in trance for more than a few minutes. It was just our first time meeting together, at DragonCon 2001; we’d been emailing, chatting, spending time in IRC chatrooms, and phoning for months, but this was the first time we actually met face to face. We checked into the hotel room (I should mention that “we” at this point was quite a collection of people; Lady Ru’etha is polyamorous, and several of Her partners were there sharing a room with us, along with a five-year-old girl. In other words, we did not check into the hotel room and immediately ravish each other. 🙂 )

We were all busy unpacking and unwinding and generally milling around, but eventually it got to a point where what with people getting food, badges, sundries from the mall connected to the hotel, et cetera that there were just three people in the room: myself, Lady Ru’etha, and Her Mistress. (It should be noted here that at the time, I wasn’t formally collared to Lady Ru’etha, and in fact was pretty much “informally” submitting to both of them.) And Lady Ru’etha just whispered in my ear, “Down.”

To this day, I still get shivers feeling breath against my skin.

I sagged down onto the bed, and She deepened me some. I knew Her Mistress was getting out a camera, and part of me felt like I should balk at this–I’ve never exactly been comfortable with my own appearance, I generally avoid being photographed, and here I was in a strange city with two women I was meeting face to face for the first time and they’d hypnotized me and were taking pictures. This was, in theory, a potential low-budget horror movie in the making. 🙂

But I didn’t feel scared. The part of me that was telling me I should be scared ran into a solid wall of total comfort, because all my instincts were telling me deep down in my heart that these were good people, that these were people I could trust, and that they would keep me safe. So I just relaxed and let it happen.

A few minutes later, and people came back in and She had to wake me up. A few days later, and we had a much longer, more intense, more personal trance experience (and our first date, and–at the surprisingly late age of 26–my first dance with a woman.) Eight years later, and I’m Her pet, and we’re still good friends with the woman who was Her Mistress.

And she’s kept that photo safe all this time.

I love Her.

All Glory to the Hypno-Chair!

March 3, 2009

Today, my Lady has asked me to explain a bit to you all about the Hypno-Chair.

Yes, I know, you’re all asking, “Where can I buy one, how much does it cost, and does it work on anyone?” But it’s not like that.  The Hypno-Chair is actually just a massage chair at my job. The company bought it as a nice gesture to its employees, for the use of any and all who might need a back massage at the end of a long and sometimes difficult shift. I didn’t even think about it for a long time, until I wrenched some muscles in my back and had to spend a week in bed, taking muscle relaxants.

After I came back, I was still a bit sore for a while, and so I got in the habit of using the massage chair every night after my shift ended. It’s a large, black reclining chair, with a number of buttons and settings to work the tension out of different areas of your back, and the settings are programmable. The button you press to just “get a massage” is labeled, “Full Program.”

Needless to say, I thought this was tremendously amusing when I mentioned it to Lady Ru’etha. “Full Program,” I said. “Like it’s programming me. I keep picturing myself pushing the button and getting brainwashed or something.”

She said, “I really like that idea. And every time you sit down in that chair, and push that button, it sends you into trance…” (Keep in mind that She’d started using Her “hypnotic voice” at some point during this.)

I said, “Mmmmhmmmm…” In what was pretty clearly starting to become my “hypnotized voice”, at that point–I get pretty floaty pretty quick when I’m flirting with my Lady about hypnosis.

She giggled. “I’m so totally anchoring you to this idea, aren’t I?” (Note to those slightly unfamiliar with the term: “Anchoring” is when you associate a physical object or action to an idea or a state of mind, like when you see a red rose and think, “Oh, romance!”, or when you see a convertible and think, “Ooh, adventure and suave confidence!”, or when you see a leather dog collar and think, “Oh, romance!)

I said, “Yep…and I can tell You’re really bothered by the idea.” Which was, of course, sarcasm. I could tell that She really loved the idea. But more importantly, my subconscious could tell that She really wanted it to work that way, and in hypnosis, convincing the subconscious mind of something is 99.9% of the work. The next time I sat down in the massage chair and pressed the “Full Program” button, I was under within minutes.

And that was the other .1%–every time I use the chair (I now just call it “the chair” at work, and the Hypno-Chair when I talk about it with my Lady), it reinforces and deepens the trance, making the connection quicker and stronger. At this point, I literally go into a hypnotic state as soon as I press the button, and go deep enough that I’m bordering on sleep when I go under. (I’ve never actually fallen asleep in the Hypno-Chair, but I have been very surprised sometimes to find that the fifteen minute program appears to have gone by without my noticing it.)

Since I don’t have an operator when I’m under, my thoughts generally tend to drift and wander when I’m sitting in the chair. (For a while, I tried to program myself with specific mantras, but my subconscious apparently felt a little uncomfortable about doing that at work. Too much chance of me winding up chanting them out loud, and then I get weird looks from my co-workers.) It helps a lot when I’m getting ready to write a story; I tend to be able to visualize the plot in my head, enabling me to get it down quicker and easier. It’s also just a very refreshing thing to do; fifteen minutes in the Hypno-Chair feels as good as an hour-long nap.

Which is why I save it for the end of my shift. Who wants to waste being alert and refreshed like that on work?