Service at the Sharp End

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This is something I’ve talked about on some of the fetish community pages I’m on, but it’s worth mentioning to my readers here: Lady Ru’etha, my Goddess, has recently underwent something of a health scare. It’s mostly resolved now, but there was a period of a month or so where She was experiencing near constant pain and nausea due to a blood clot in Her liver. It was a scary time, because we didn’t know what was wrong at first and then suddenly there seemed to be too many possible candidates and then the treatment was worse than the disease for a little bit. Having it be mostly over is a genuinely wonderful thing.


But I thought that it might be good to talk about it from my perspective as a permanently collared, benevolently brainwashed lifestyle submissive, because I can’t imagine I’m the only one out there whose Owner has gone through a health crisis and has had to submit to someone not at all in a fit state to be dominant. (Which She wasn’t–there were days when She could barely manage to get out of bed long enough to fall asleep on the couch.)


Now, I may not be the best submissive to talk to about this, because I’m a service submissive for Goddess; doing things for Her is part of our shared kink, so I do things like get Her food and drinks and perform minor tasks for Her on a daily basis. On that level, it didn’t change, except for the very real fact that She felt like She was relying on me more than She should even as a lifestyle submissive. Some of our negotiations revolved around making sure that She understood that She was not useless or weak for having these health problems and that I still saw Her as my Domme. That wasn’t always easy.


The other part, though, is a problem I suspect is common to all submissives in this position–we weren’t playing. This is not a complaint, let me stress that in the strongest possible terms–it would have been the height of insensitivity and selfishness to make any demands on Her during this period. She was doing everything She could to heal Her body, much of which was painful or exhausting or both, and only a jackass would be saying, “But why won’t you hypnotize me?” in response to that.


Still, that doesn’t make the physical need go away. (Lesson #1 to submissives in this position: It’s okay to admit that.) Now, if I’d been more actively poly instead of just being generally open to the idea of polyamorous relationships–I’ve described myself as neandersexual, meaning that I’m really interested in people who make the first move–I might have just played with others. Which would have probably brought its own hazards, since Goddess needed to know She was still desirable to me even with grapefruit-sized bruises all over Her abdomen from the medicine She was taking, but the point is that it wasn’t happening. So how did I handle it?


Mostly by fantasizing about Her. A lot. This is where I think the long-distance relationship we had for so long helped me; I am used to thinking of Her while I stroke myself, using Her words and Her presence as inspiration for my stories, and generally letting Her brainwashing do a lot of the work of controlling me even when She wasn’t able to do so directly. It wasn’t everything I wanted…let’s face it, there is no substitute for the sheer magnificence and sensual power She brings to my life…but it kept me centered and focused on the importance She holds for me. And when you’re a submissive in love, that’s important.


Again, She is doing better now. She still has some days when She tires easily, and it may be a few more months before She’s fully recovered, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And in the end, I am pleased and proud to know that I can be a good boy for Her even under the most trying of circumstances.

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