To Get What You’re Looking For, Look For Something Else

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Recently there’s been something of a…kerfuffle, possibly even at some point to be upgraded to a fracas but let’s hope not…in the erotic hypnosis community regarding a post on FetLife (link requires membership) where someone asked first how to get female hypnotists “to be more available for men seeking women hypnotists?”, later rephrased to “I wonder how we can make more of them”. Needless to say, this elicited some discussion, most of which centered on the commodification of women in the scene and the lack of awareness involved in the original post when it came to the way entitled subs demand hypnosis from any woman who lets it slip that she knows how to perform such an act.

And of course, grasping the wrong end of the stick even tighter, the original poster said, “But what about the “nice guy” who doesn’t do that stuff and is now paying the price for the errors of others??? Any words of advice for that guy?” (Which, I’ve been seeing ‘nice guy’ used in a pejorative sense to describe someone who is only nice when they think they can get something out of it, especially in the context of sex and romance, for at least a decade now and it’s hard to comprehend someone who still thinks it can be unironically used without bringing along a whole fucking assload of connotations about entitled guys thinking that merely being polite to a woman somehow gives them free access to her body, especially in a conversation that’s specifically about entitled guys wanting to know how to get women to be “more available” to them…)

And let’s be clear–the only person having this problem is the Nice Guy. That Guy. This is not a problem that is universal to submissive men, because submissive men who are genuinely decent instead of performatively “nice” to people they want to sleep with really don’t have a problem finding women who are enthusiastic about hypnotizing them and dominating them. Because you give off different social cues when you’re doing something because you want to be friendly and helpful than you do when you’re insincerely making a huge show of how “nice” you’re being because you’re hoping to earn Sex Tokens from the only woman you’re paying attention to right now, and it’s far more obvious than Nice Guys think it is. In short–if you’re having absolutely no luck finding someone to hypnotize you in a social scene exclusively geared toward that shared interest, it is time to accept that the issue is not with every single woman in the general vicinity.

But as it happens, I do still have some advice for That Guy! Because that’s who I am. I’m a giver. My advice is very simple. GIVE UP.

Now, I don’t mean that in the harsh, “You are a jerk and a loser and you will die alone and unloved” sense. (Well, I don’t mean it entirely in that sense…) But I do mean that as long as you are bound and determined to see every woman as a potential play partner, romantic figure, Domme, Mistress, what have you, and you focus your interactions with them toward the goal of making that happen, it’s going to utterly repel every woman you come in contact with. Nobody likes to be seen as your Fill in the Blank, and if you’re treating every woman as a potential sex partner, then you’re basically saying you don’t care who meets your sexual needs so long as they get met. This is not an attractive prospect.

The solution really is to just stop. Not just “stop doing it until you find a better woman,” not just “stop doing it until you’ve put in enough Niceness Coins that candy comes out of her vagina”, but actually stop looking for romance/sex/hypnosis/kink completely and totally and treat it like it’s unimportant, unachievable, and unworthy of being your goal. Forget it. Leave it behind. Throw it away and don’t look back, and just treat the kink scene as you would any other social interest or gathering.

Now that doesn’t mean lying about who you are and what you like. Nobody’s going to be convinced if you tell them that you just came to NEEHU for the free cookies. You can tell people that you’re submissive, you can tell them that you’re straight, you can tell them that you’ve been associating hypnosis and sex ever since you were twelve and got funny feelings when you read ‘The Silver Chair’. But that’s just sharing something about yourself as a person with people who share that common interest.

Note that last bit: “person” and “people”. Talk to guys. Talk to women. Talk to people who fall elsewhere along the gender spectrum and get comfortable with the fact that a spectrum exists for gender identity and sexual orientation. Don’t exclusively latch onto the conversations of the woman in any group, don’t exclusively latch onto the attention of the woman in any group conversation. Get comfortable with making platonic friends regardless of their gender with no expectation of anything beyond friendship. (Good Lord if I could I would make that flash like a neon sign.)

And for fucksake, don’t just talk. Listen. Pay attention to what other people are talking to you about, get to know them as people, engage with them on their interests as well as yours. Try doing things they like to do (not sexual things–things like “eat Thai food”, or “read about art history”). Don’t do things just to impress them or please them; it’s okay to say, “Oh, art history isn’t really my thing, I’m more into military history.” But do do them to broaden your horizons, expand your worldview, and maybe find a new thing that excites and interests you. Open up your mind to what other people are willing to share with you, instead of demanding they conform to your favorite things.

And if you do all that, at some point, maybe, one of those people you’re talking to and listening to will really click with you. You’ll seek them out in a room when you see them, and better still, they’ll come looking for you. You’ll spend a lot of time just hanging out and chatting and enjoying each other’s company. And at some point, one of those people might say, “Remember how you said you were submissive? I haven’t been able to get that out of my mind…” And then you’ll find all sorts of fun things happening from there.

But the best part of this advice? Even if that doesn’t happen, you’ll probably find a lot of good friends and fun times anyway. Try getting that from a pick-up artist book.

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