A Reminder About Consent

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Recently on Tumblr, HappyTears1999 said, ” I’m tired of people thinking I’m accessible to them just because I’m on here being myself. I’m not yours. If you are interested in me talk to me like I’m a person and get to know me. But mostly don’t because chances are I’m not interested in being anything for you. Just being honest here. Only message me if you want my private Snapchat. Or unless we are friends already. You will know who you are if we’re friends. Point is. I’m Done.”

(Quoted with permission. I’d link, but Tumblr’s kind of weird about linking to blogs it’s flagged as explicit right now.)

I see posts like this a lot on Tumblr, and FetLife and pretty much every adult or kink social site you’d care to name, and they’re always really fucking depressing. Submissive women should not have to deal with this shit. It’s just not something they should even have to say, because (and let me say this very loudly for the men in the back) BEING SUBMISSIVE IS A CHOICE. It is not a state of existence, it is not an identity, it is not a natural order of the universe (even if it can be fun to express it that way sometimes). It is something a woman decides to do with a specific individual on terms they have every right to extend and revoke at any time.

(Really briefly, because I know it’s going to come up. Yes, there are submissive men and non-binary submissives and you are valid. But the subs who are getting the most shit are women, and the wannabe Doms they are getting the most shit from are men, so that is where this post is addressed. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t apply to male or non-binary subs, only that they are not the topic of conversation at this moment.)

So. Let’s make this very clear. Calling oneself a submissive is not consent. Being into the same kinks you are is not consent. Not being currently owned is not consent. Even explicitly saying, “God, I am horny ask fuck and really want to be dominated” is not consent, although it is certainly an indication that respectfully expressing an interest in negotiating consent might be very well received. The only thing that is consent is a clear, unambiguous, enthusiastic expression of non-hypothetical interest in doing kinky shit with you specifically.

If they didn’t say that, if they didn’t do that, if they didn’t clearly and directly express that, then you don’t have consent and you should not be acting sexual to that person. Not because it drives women out of the scene, not because we can’t have as much fun when submissives don’t feel safe, but because women have an inherent right to be treated with respect and basic decency and they should get to enjoy their kink on their own terms without constantly having to fend off assholes. I really don’t think this is or should be a controversial stance.

Consent, motherfuckers. Please.

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