More on the Unfathomable, Existential Et Cetera, Et Cetera

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One of the things I really wanted to talk about in my last post that I didn’t quite get to was the way that the fear of being rejected for showing a part of yourself as intimate and honest as your personal, private kinks can lead to some of the bad behavior we see a lot in the kink community. And I don’t think it’s wrong to say that this manifests differently in men and women – not because of any inherent difference from the two, you’re not going to find any gender essentialism here, but because of the way they’ve been socialized. Social conditioning is a thing, and it very rarely leads to fun sexytimes the way that more enjoyable forms of brainwashing do.

For men, I think it’s safe to say that we have been conditioned to have a metric fuckton of toxic entitlement. We are taught just about from birth that we are entitled to women’s time, women’s attention, women’s bodies, women’s interest – pretty much anything you’d care to name about the female gender is expected to be available on demand to anyone with a penis. (Yes, I know, not everyone with a penis is a man. Trust me when I say that this particular set of toxic masculinity tropes violently disagrees with that too.)

And for a lot of guys, when you’re feeling that anxiety and insecurity that comes with sharing deep and personal revelations about yourself to someone who may reject you for them (and again, a rejection of your kink is very hard not to take as a rejection of you as a person because it’s so intimate), it’s very comforting to wrap yourself in the delusion that you are powerful, you are potent, you always get what you want and all you need to do is tell a woman that she’s obliged to indulge your fetishes and she will simply do so. It’s the classic “Domly Dom” mentality, the idea that you don’t need to negotiate or discuss or even necessarily know the woman’s name; you just need to present yourself forcefully and she’ll swoon with desire.

But it’s not just tops who let their insecurities mask themselves in a facade of poisonous entitlement and arrogance. Men who bottom do this all the time too, presenting themselves to Dommes with a lengthy spiel of “Oh please, Mistress, please let this lowly worm of a slave lick your boots and kiss your ass and insert small woodland creatures into my trousers for you” before they even get to the “Hi, what’s your name?” part of the conversation. It’s the same terrified delusion, the same belief that if they can only present the agreement to participate in their kinks as a fait accompli then they won’t have to go through all the extremely unnerving business of exposing themselves for who they are to someone who might say no, just flipped to top from the bottom.

Needless to say, this doesn’t work. Guys, if you’re doing this, sit down and do some hard thinking about why it is that you’re so scared to ask someone for what you need that you have to tell them, instead. It’s never a good look to be This Dude, and you’re going to spend a lot of your time being unhappy and making other people unhappy while you do it. I know it’s hard to be vulnerable and open yourself up to rejection, but your life will be better when you learn how to do it. (And so will the life of every woman you talk to, which is more important here.) You’ll still find someone. And that someone will value you, not just tolerate you. It’s a wonderful thing.

Now for women, I do think this manifests differently – again, not because “women are different from men”, but because women have experienced different kinds of social conditioning that they have to work to overcome. Women are strongly discouraged from even discussing internally what it is they want, just in case they figure out that what they’re interested in somehow inconveniences a man, and they have to do a lot of extra emotional labor simply to figure out what they’re interested in, let alone push themselves uphill against the social pressure to say yes to anything a guy wants. You see subs like this a lot when they’re new to the scene, women who respond to negotiation with “I want whatever you want, Master,” when they haven’t even really established that the guy in question wants the job title. By not having any desires of their own, they can simply fit into the kink-shaped hole in front of them and at least get something, even if it’s not what they truly want.

I’ll tell you this, if you’re a woman who recognizes yourself in that description: You’re not going to be happy either. Yes, you will get into kinky relationships that way, because if there’s anything that attracts guys quickly, it’s women with absolutely no standards and an interest in sex. But they won’t be good relationships, because they’ll be founded on the idea that your wants and needs don’t have worth. Trust me when I say that if you sit down, spend time thinking about what you really enjoy and what turns you on and you refuse to get involved with anyone who’s not willing to listen to you when you tell them about your kinks, you will still find someone. And they’ll be a better someone.

(I know, this is another thinly veiled rendition of “it’s better to be single than to be in a shitty relationship” spiel. It’s a message that bears repeating.)

I don’t think that women who top have as many issues with this, by the way; I think that once you’ve done the self-interrogation needed to figure out that you want to be a dominant woman in a world that doesn’t necessarily love to accommodate that kind of behavior, you’ve also figured out what you want and need and how to get it. Your problem is probably more that you have to fend off all the guys saying, “Oh please, Mistress, please let this lowly worm of a slave lick your boots and…”

Again, I’m not saying any of this is easy. I’ve struggled with it myself. It’s really hard to open up this way, especially about something as personal as sex and kink. But when you don’t do that kind of internal work, when you don’t push yourself to ask these questions and force yourself to expose that vulnerability, you’re going to be unhappy and you’re not going to be able to make anyone else happy either. You can have more. You can be more. And on the other side of that unfathomable, existential et cetera, there’s a wonderful person waiting for you.

Two, counting whoever it is you find.

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