Posts Tagged ‘humor’

MST3K Vs. Hypnosis: Invasion USA

October 7, 2011

Technically, I’m giving away a huge spoiler for the movie “Invasion USA” by including it in this blog, but let’s face it–the fact that it popped up on “Mystery Science Theater 3000” should tell you everything you need to know about whether this movie is the kind of tautly-plotted thriller that deserves to be watched without any details of its brilliant ending getting wrecked by people like me. Yes, this movie involves hypnosis. No, it’s probably not going to turn you on.

But it is present. The film starts with a group of people in a bar arguing about whether the government should have the right to commandeer civilian resources in peacetime, just in case we need to build up a huge army to keep the Commies good and intimidated. Only one person is in favor of it, and just as he’s being sort of vaguely mocked for his super-patriotism (which is odd, because he’s the only person in the movie with a foreign accent…it’s implied that he’s from the Eastern Bloc and escaped to the States…) The Commies attack!

The rest of the movie is a long, slow, joyless march to the death of all the main characters and the defeat of America, and all because we wouldn’t give up our freedoms to the United States Army! Don’t you see? If we don’t give up all our freedoms and turn America into a totalitarian state, the Russians will do it instead! Wouldn’t you much rather be oppressed by good old American men with guns instead of Russkies?

And in the end, of course, it turns out that Vaguely Foreign-Sounding Guy is a hypnotist, and the cast never actually left the bar. The whole thing was a hypnotically induced fantasy designed to shock them into understanding how serious the Communist threat could be, if they were imaginary hallucinations of a paranoid disordered mind and had no weaknesses. Therefore, um…profit?

It’s a lousy movie, but it’s well riffed and contains “A Date With Your Family”, one of the top three shorts MST3K ever produced. (“Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!”) Try some, won’t you?

Earworms Redux

October 1, 2011

I know it’s kind of silly, but it does pop into my head a lot, so without further ado…

(to the tune of “You Are My Sunshine”)

You are my Goddess
My only Goddess
My mind is empty
Thoughts fade away
I’ll never know how
Much you control me
Goddess speaks, and I must obey.

The Joke In Last Week’s Story

September 15, 2011

For those of you not paying attention (I know some of the people who read this blog also buy my books, and it’s distinctly possible that you lost track of when exactly the underprivileged get to read my stories) this week’s update was “Yesterday”. (I will resist the temptation to point out that it was actually Saturday.) The story is based on the Beatles song, and there is a reference to it in there…but probably not the one you think.

Back in the 80s, you see, there was a wonderful syndicated comic strip called “Bloom County”, a personal favorite of mine that also happened to perfectly capture the zeitgeist of the Reagan era. And as you may or may not recall, depending on your age, one of the big elements of the 80s zeitgeist was MTV.

“Bloom County” had an excellent strip about MTV; in it, one of the characters talks about how he used to love the song “Yesterday”. ‘It made me think of porpoises frolicking under Antarctic rainbows,’ he says. ‘Then I saw the video on MTV. It was full of explosions and half-naked women slinking around. You know what I think of now when I hear that song?’

And anyone who read last week’s story knows the answer… ‘Half-naked exploding porpoises!’

See? I told you there was a reference. 🙂

Five Minute Drills

August 24, 2011

Back in 2008, Wiseguy asked people to write pieces of flash fiction in exactly five minutes. Didn’t matter how long they were, as long as you wrote them in five minutes. I was thinking about them tonight, because for the sake of my dignity, I’d at least like to be only six days behind on this blog and it’s less than twenty minutes to midnight. 🙂 And I figured I could share mine with you, since I doubt many people who read this blog ever saw them. So without further ado, my Five Minute Drills!


Janna drew her dildo from its sheath and held it out in front of her. “You can never win, Marat. Evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction.”

Marat flicked a switch, and her own phallus begin to vibrate. “This is your final chance, Janna. Join the Lesbian Conspiracy, or perish in sapphic pleasure.”

“Never!” Janna shouted, turning her own vibrator on and bringing it down in an overhand strike at Marat’s pert breasts. Marat blocked the blow, and Janna felt tingling up her arms to the elbow as the twin sex toys clashed.

“You are a fool,” Marat snarled, pushing Janna’s own dildo back towards her breasts. “You could have been a ruler of this world, and instead, you will suffer the ultimate fate–death by orgasm.”

Janna tried with all her might to hold back the vibrating sex toy, but as it slowly pressed against her nipple, she feared that Marat might in fact be right…


Gina groaned, trying to keep her mind focused on baseball, on her job, on anything but the vibrating butt plug whirring away in her ass.

“You can’t fight it forever, you know,” Kara said. “Sooner or later, you’re going to orgasm, and when you do, the drug will anchor itself to your neural receptors. And when that happens, you’re going to be my slave. Forever.” She patted Gina’s pussy gently, sending all-too-pleasant shocks through her body.

“…i can fight this…” Gina gasped out, struggling against the ropes that held her. “I’m not…not gonna be your slave…”

“Guess it’s time to pull out the big guns,” Kara said. She reached under the bed, and pulled out something that looked like a cross between a sex toy and a power tool. Which was exactly what it was, Gina realized. A dildo, mounted on a massive pumping shaft. “Nobody’s ever lasted longer than five minutes with this baby shoved inside their cunt,” Kara said, revving it up. “No matter how hard they tried. I call it…my five-minute drill.”


(This third one was written under the explicit rules, “Write for 5 minutes from a perspective far removed from your own. That is, try writing as a different sex and/or sexual orientation and/or D/s perspective from what you are.”)

Bob sighed as he shot his load into Carol, purely for the purposes of procreation. “Ah,” he said. “It’s so wonderful to be having missionary-position sex with my wife, purely consensually and free of any sort of hypnotic coercion!”

Carol nodded in agreement. “But only because we’re married and under God’s covenant,” she reminded him. “If we weren’t, it’d be a sin in the eyes of the Lord.”

“Very true,” Bob said. “Just like that homosexuality I hear about. Good thing we don’t have anything like that here in the good old U S of A!”

“You said it, darling,” Carol responded. “Homosexuality and bisexuality is for those degenerate Europeans, not for true-blooded Americans like us! We don’t even use sex toys, let alone any sort of sinister ‘mind control’ to increase our arousal or the pleasure of our coupling! Vanilla sex is the best sex!”

Then a rampaging elephant trampled them both to death.

Possibly Amusing

August 4, 2011

This month’s contest on the Mind Control Forums isn’t a story contest (someday, I might list which of the stories up on the EMCSA are contest entries and what inspired them…) It’s actually a review contest. To enter, you have to review other people’s stories and constructively critique them in an interesting and entertaining fashion.

I am tempted to enter, but not entirely certain. I’m tempted because I do enjoy reviewing other people’s work; I’ve written a few reviews on my various vanilla blogs, talking about what I liked and disliked about other people’s writing, and I’ve also done some proofreading for published authors who have indicated to me afterwards that they really felt I improved their finished product. So there is that going for it.

I’m uncertain because I know that I am not a gentle critic. I believe that the best way you improve is by having someone go through your work word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, sparing absolutely no awkward turn of phrase or contrived plot twist. I only review for people who I believe to be entirely committed to improving their writing skills and secure enough in their abilities that they will not let any mild ego-bruising that I give them get in the way of revising their work. That doesn’t always apply on the EMCSA, where people just want to be allowed to post their sex fantasies without having to get all “literary” and don’t want people pointing out all their spelling and grammar errors.

On the other hand, the potential deal-maker? The winner gets all of their stories reviewed by the contest judge. Every single one. Given that I now have 194 stories on the Archive, and four more posted by the time the contest finishes, I’m tempted to go all out just to see if the reviewer’s able to follow through on his promises if I win. 🙂

MST3K vs. Hypnosis: Operation Double 007

July 28, 2011

This movie is actually one of the more perversely famous films that the MST3K crew tackled over the course of their long career of films (some of which, like this one, dealt with hypnosis and thus caught my attention a little bit more than usual. I’m abandoning the “Volume One, Two, Three”, etc, because they’ve long ago stopped being in chronological order.) It’s a spy film starring Neil Connery, and if you think that was just an accidental bit of synchronicity then you don’t know that the film was also released with the title “Operation Kid Brother”. Several other Bond actors, such as the woman who played Moneypenny, the man who played M, and the villain from ‘Thunderball’ round out the cast…

But you’re understandably more interested in the hypnosis. Hey, who wouldn’t be?

The hero of the film, played by Neil, is a talented surgeon and expert martial artist who also just happens to be an amazingly talented hypnotist. That’s right, this is one of the few films where hypnosis is a tool of the good guys, not the villains. And unfortunately, this means that he rarely takes advantage of his talents for selfish reasons, instead choosing to hypnotize bad guys so he can disarm them and hypnotize young women to help them uncover repressed memories of the bad guys’ plans. But there are some scenes of him hypnotizing young women, if you’re really looking for that sort of thing, and the riffing is excellent (it’s a late Joel episode, where he’d really hit his stride.) This one isn’t out on DVD yet, but it’s not hard to find online.

So feel free to grab some generic cola, some store-brand chips, and enjoy this Bondian-esque-ish film!

A Vaguely Amusing Anecdote

July 20, 2011

Did you know that there’s a “mind control” powerset in ‘City of Heroes’?

That’s not the whole thing, by the way. It’s just by way of background. There’s a set of abilities that focuses on controlling the minds of your enemies, either to force them to sleep (“Mesmerize” and “Mass Hypnosis”) or to freeze them in place (“Dominate” and “Total Domination”) or to trick them into battling your enemies (“Confuse” and “Mass Confusion”.) The F/X for the powers even involve giant spiral hypnodiscs manifesting from your forehead.

Needless to say, one of my very first characters was a Mind Controller. So was one of my very second. But I had to delete them. Because as much as I naturally associated hypnosis with beautiful women in skimpy outfits using their powers to enthrall people into doing their bidding, I was playing the game with friends, and I didn’t want my hypnosis fetish to come out quite that way. So I actually wound up “officially” making a mind controller very late in my playing history, simply because it took me ages to come up with one that wasn’t sexually charged and kinky.

One of my latest characters, though, is a female mind controller who uses her sinister powers to hollow out the minds of her enemies and turn them into her puppets. Because what can I say, I got a weakness for the classics. 🙂

MST3K Vs. Hypnosis, Volume Six

May 29, 2011

Last week, I talked about “The She-Creature”, but I didn’t really talk about it, if you get my meaning. I just sort of mentioned in passing. This week, I’ll delve into the whole thing in a bit more depth. But, y’know, not too much more, because this is just a blog entry, after all. It’s not like I’m writing “War and Peace” something.

“The She-Creature” is a movie that’s actually kind of interesting, from a strictly sociological perspective. It captures a particular zeitgeist, of an era when the belief that past lives could be experienced through hypnosis was widely discussed and very popular thanks to the famous case of Bridey Murphy. (Ignore the bits about how the debunking has been debunked. The problem with an encyclopedia that anyone can edit is that, well, anyone can edit it.) Pretty much everyone knew about “past-life regression” back then, and that informed the movie in a big way. As a result, you get a film about a Sinister Hypnotist(tm) attempting to use past-life regression to summon an evil monster, and a heroic parapsychologist (the Roger Corman movie “The Undead” is another film with a heroic parapsychologist, a pretty rare trope as far as film is concerned) who tries to stop him. (Oddly, the parapsychologist is also presented as a skeptic, despite seeming to have full and accurate knowledge of all the same techniques the bad guy is using.) It’s actually kind of cool to see how films of a particular era synthesized the fears and fascinations of that era into fiction, even if they’re not exactly “high art”.

That, plus the hypnokinky elements, are pretty much the only things you’ll find interesting about “The She-Creature”. The script is dull and plodding, everyone on screen should have one of those little “NOT AN ACTOR” subtitles under their names, and the monster…okay, by the standards of the time, the monster’s not bad. Not very “She-Creature”, but not bad. But it’s about the best element of a story that’s too long, too repetitive, and contains about 100% too much Lance Fuller. But there are plenty of hypnosis scenes if you like that sort of thing (but come on, who among my readers would actually like to watch two guys dueling for hypnotic control of a beautiful woman?) and the riffing on this episode is top-notch. The “Lance Fuller School of Not Acting” sketch is worth tracking down the episode for all on its own.

An Amusing Anecdote

May 21, 2011

Lady Ru’etha and I are in the midst of watching ‘The She-Creature’ on Mystery Science Theater 3000. I wanted to make sure She saw this one because it’s got a freaking metric ton of hypnosis (it’s an old black-and-white movie made during the whole “Bridey Murphy” recovering-past-lives-through-hypnosis craze, something about which I will talk more in a future blog entry.) And it features use after use after use of one of the MST3K gang’s lovable catchphrases, shouting “SLEEEEEEEP!” a la Bela Lugosi in Bride of the Monster. Any time there’s an over-elaborate, drawn-out hypnosis sequence, they short-circuit it with a shout of “SLEEEEEEEEEEP!”

Lady Ru’etha suggested (jokingly) that the two of us should go to a signing by one of the MST3K actors (probably Kevin Murphy, who did the majority of the shouts.) She would ask him to try the “SLEEEEEEP!” shout on me, which he would no doubt obligingly do…to no effect. Then She would look at him and say, “Hmm, I think I know what I’ve been doing wrong.” Then She’d turn to me and shout, “SLEEEEEEEEEP!” Having previously made sure it was a trigger, of course.

Thankfully, She’d never actually do it (because it would actually work.) But it was quite funny to hear.

What Happened Next: Every Rose Has Its Thorn

April 7, 2011

I usually intend for the words “THE END” to appear at the end of my stories specifically to create an emotional impression. Even if I know what happens next, I don’t necessarily want the reader to share in that knowledge. After all, I think that the reader has the absolute right to decide what happens when the story’s over; my opinion of the events after the story ends is just that, and shouldn’t supersede the reader’s.

But every once in a while, I do have a pretty good idea, and this blog feels like the place to share it. While this isn’t meant to be “Word of God”, because I don’t believe in ’em, I do think of it as what happened after the words “THE END” for the story “Every Rose Has Its Thorn“. Which ended, as you may or may not recall…

WildRose listened to the tone in her voice, the tone no computer could disguise. “Sharpe,” she said, “I think we should meet. No earphones. No secrets. Face to face.” She paused, not quite sure how to say what she had to say, but letting that reckless excitement guide her words. “I think we have a lot to talk about.”

There was a long pause before Sharpe spoke. “She brainwashed you, didn’t she.” It wasn’t even a question.

“What?” WildRose had expected a lot of different responses, but that wasn’t even on the top ten. “No! I just…I thought we should meet! We’ve been team-mates for something like six months now, we’ve saved each other’s lives, I think it’s kind of silly that we only communicate over seventeen layers of frequency encryption!” Oh, and I think you want to sleep with me, she decided not to add.

“Uh huh,” Sharpe said, her voice full of world-weary cynicism. “So you battle ‘Mistressmind’, you’re completely off the grid for about twenty minutes, and suddenly you’re full of ideas about the two of us meeting face to face? Wow, that’s the kind of coincidence that doesn’t come up often.”

WildRose rolled her eyes to the heavens. “I am not brainwashed!” she snapped out. “Listen to the police band right now! The squad cars are pulling up! Any second now, they’ll be reporting a defeated supervillain and a security guard who needs new pants!”

“Then it’s a trap,” Sharpe said. “She got to you, you told her about me, now she’s trying to lure me out into the open so she can complete her collection. Come on, how dumb do you think I am?”

“You so don’t want me to answer that right now,” WildRose grumbled. “Yes, fine, that’s right. You are right as always. It’s a trap. You’ve figured out our clever scheme. She cunningly got me to kick her in the back of the head, dislocate her shoulder, and gas her, all as part of her master plan to discover your secret identity! Wait until you see the next stage in her cunning strategy, where she becomes prison bitch to Big Aileen!”

“Hey!” Sharpe said, her own voice getting louder in WildRose’s earpiece. “Don’t take that attitude about it! You know the rules! Day One, I told you. No face to face. You accept my help or you don’t, but it’s on my terms!”

“That’s before I realized you were–” WildRose paused, her voice caught somewhere in the back of her throat. All her earlier courage seemed to have deserted her.

“Were what?” Sharpe said. “Hello? Still there? Did something happen? Did Mistressmind break out somehow?”

WildRose sighed. “I wanted to talk about this in person, but…I heard it in your voice. You like me.”

“Most of the time, yeah. I mean, I’ve gone through three of those little stress balls, and I’m popping antacids by the handful, but…”

“No, I mean…” WildRose wiggled her eyebrows, then realized how stupid she had to look to anyone watching. “You like me. As in, y’know…the way women tennis players like each other.”

There was a long pause. “Women tennis players? SRSLY? Are you going to use the Indigo Girls as your next simile, or do I get treated to an ‘Ellen’ reference?”

WildRose tried to remind herself of why she was doing this. “Look, I’m not good at this, okay? I just thought…if you wanted, maybe we could meet, because…Sharpe?” She took a deep breath. “I’m gay too.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sharpe said. “I just thought that honestly, you probably wouldn’t be too into me. I mean, you’re always lusting after the amazonian type, and–”

WildRose’s voice could have cut diamond. “You. Know?”

“I did my due diligence, you don’t hide your browsing habits very well, and straight girls don’t go to ‘BigTittedAmazons.Com’,” Sharpe said apologetically. “I just figured scrawny geek girls didn’t do it for you.”

WildRose smiled, feeling her courage return. “Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. But if you don’t meet me at the Java Bar in an hour, we’ll never find out. And wouldn’t that be a shame?”

There was a long pause on Sharpe’s end. “Fine,” she said at last. “But if you’re brainwashed, I’m macing you.”